I had a really bad week, and after a lot of prayer and a lot of thought, I realized that I did it to myself.
I’m a very controlling person. It’s probably my least favorite thing about myself, and I’m not admitting this in a light tone.
I always feel the need to be in control of every aspect of my life, or else it isn’t going to go right.
This week I wasn’t in my Bible like I should’ve been, I was overthinking EVERYTHING corresponding to my life and I wasn’t relying on Jesus like I need to. So, this is what I mean when saying I did it to myself.
After a lot of realization, I went on a journey to find the source of my control problems. This is when I wanted to smack myself in the face.
What causes a person to feel the need to be in control all of the time? Trust issues. For me, I’m constantly dwelling on everything that could go wrong instead of everything that is going right.
Wait a minute, now. How am I supposed to trust in the Lord while simultaneously having trust issues? I can’t. It’s literally the complete opposite of trusting in God.
I genuinely wanted to beat myself up for being this way. Yes, it stems from anxiety and a lack of trust, but I can’t live like this forever.
For me, the first step of letting go of control is realizing I don’t have any control. Truly, God is in control of every aspect of my life and I have to trust that everything He does is in my favor.
When things don’t go according to my plan, it isn’t a big deal or something to get upset over.
When thinking about trust, I like to think about Queen Esther (my absolutely FAVORITE person) and the courage she showed in saving the Jews.
Yes, God would have saved His people regardless, but He placed Esther in her position for a reason.
God had control of that entire situation. He gave Esther the opportunity to save the Jews and she showed an abundance of faith in trusting the Lord.
She didn’t have to worry about being out of control, because God was in control the whole time. He provided her with that courage.
God is providing us with that courage daily. He wants us to let go of control and give it to Him so that we can glorify Him.
Another challenge that I’m facing on my journey to stop being controlling is the fear of the unknown. That’s one of my biggest struggles, and I sure do let it affect the way I act sometimes.
A huge part of erasing this fear is to trust God with the outcomes. Yeah, life isn’t always going to go the way we want it to go, but we have to trust that God has our best intentions in mind.
If we choose to follow Him and give Him control, He will never lead us down a wrong path.
My prayer for this week, and the upcoming weeks ahead as I try to overcome this negative part of my personality is to praise God through the good outcomes and praise God through the bad outcomes. I want to be unashamed and unafraid like Esther.
I want to be a light for the Kingdom of God and thank Him for having my best interest at heart. It isn’t going to be easy, but every day is already seeming easier than the last.
I’m so grateful to serve a God of patience and grace, who is always in control.